the feeling of ugliness

It took me quite a while ... to decide whether to post this or not? I cannot remember whether I talked about this before. But then again it's my RANTS. I in the mood to rant!

So here goes ...

I was talking to a friend. Telling him my insecurities. My feeling so fat and ugly. So unwanted. So ... sad.

Guess it might be the photo taking that I'll be taking that's giving me this feeling of ugliness.

Brought me a lot of unhappy memories about my past. My unhappy experiences with guys. From secondary school, through junior college and even in university. I'd walk down streets always looking at the floor. Whenever I lifted my head to look around, there would almost always be a guy staring at me like I was the ugliest thing he has seen in his life.

Once I was walking to school from Tanah Merah MRT, there was this primary school boy (i think Primary 6 lah, 12/13 yrs old) sitting by the sidewalk I think waiting for friend. Punkish like xiao ah beng with a face that I wish I could slam into the asphalt. I was staring at his orangy hair, wondering which school allowed him to have such hair!!! Most likely he was just some bastard child sired by an ang moh.

Sorry, but my self hate started from him onwards. He was staring back with a pissed face and he was muttering under his breath in chinese, "Ugly witch stop staring at me liao. Ugly witch." When I got to school I kept thinking about this, kept thinking that "Ya, I am ugly."

So I guess I'll remain so.

Soon after even when there was a guy chasing after me, I kept thinking what this guy sees in me? I very easily taken in by their sweet talk. But very soon they will act like they don't know me at all. Like they were embarrassed to let people know that they know me. Sigh.

Worst experience of all, was my first boyfriend. He chased me loh. Fell for his sweet words and his caring ways. First bf of course I very deep feelings lah. But he ... after a month ... EXACTLY A MONTH ... he broke up with me. No reason. Just stopped calling, stop looking for me loh. Found out from my 2nd bf (presently hubby), the only reason he went out with me was because of a bet which another group of guys betted with him. "To last going out with me for a month."

IS IT REALLY SUCH A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE TO BE WITH ME?!?!?!

And I also found out that this f-ing assholes group of guys ... WERE FRIENDS OF MINE!!! Of course these guys were no longer my friends. Arses they are for doing this to me.

Before my first bf, they also tried to push another guy to me. This guy ah. Sigh ... sorry to say loh (wait I'm not sorry about it) ... IF I WAS A GUY, I think I BETTER LOOKING than him!!! Found out from another friend later who blurted out saying that I so ugly who would want.

It was so ... so ... soooo hurtful those words. Same feeling when I found out about the bet.

My friend whom I was talking to online said :

MEH says:
dun bother abt them lar..
MEH says:
they r not worth for u to get angry with
Esdee says:
sigh i know lah
Esdee says:
but then i think what they say might be true
Esdee says:
that i really am ugly that i really am fat

Then this where my inferiorty complex kicks in full force. Even though after I broke up with my first bf, I quickly had a 2nd bf. Only after 3 hours chatting on the phone, SW and I agreed to just be bf-gf, but also agreed to only be that for fun.

It was only 3 days after my break-up loh. And I was seeking to destroy myself. Luckily the guy I happened to talk to that night was SW ... my now darling hubby. But even my hubby admitted before that he was not attracted to me by my looks. Said that I was a very plain looking girl. You imagine that when he said it to me. AFTER 9 YEARS TOGETHER!!! My heart, my so called little little hope that I am a little attractive after all. SHATTERED!!!! HEART SO PAIN!

In truth when I thought carefully, even my parents never failed to point out to me about my flaws. Things like

- "Why don't you go do something about your face ah? So much pimples. So oily."
- "So fat ah. Can lose some weight or not?"
- "Do something the way you look can or not?"

Sigh. Imagine growing up like this. How to not feel ugly???

In Junior College, not much difference. I BARELY have any friends there. I think ... can count the number of friends who I talk to from JC, lesser than my 10 fingers. There was a certain group I used to hang out with. No choice actually. They were the only decent ones who won't bully me and call me names or make me cry. Yah I once cried in class before because one guy laughed sooooo loud in my face IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS, calling me stupid, just because I took out the wrong textbook for class. Sigh.

Okay that "clique" I hanged out with, just so happened to be taking the bus to Clementi to eat. On the bus just commenting say that "Girls are the most beautiful on the day they get married." At this ... the rest of my group LAUGH OUT LOUD in my face, and said, "For you it will never happen." They were referring to the beautiful part, not the married part.

Of course I never associated myself with them again.

THIS IS WHY now I'm feeling so ... sad ... so ugly ... so fat!!! Been going gym to try to cut down some last minute fats. But ... I still the same!! I still weigh the same! I still look that same. In fact, I feel more bloated than before.

I'm so nervous about Monday!!! My phototaking for my wedding leh!!! And I'm feeling so ugly, so fat ... so ... UGH!!!

If you ask about now, how am I now? I'm still feeling ugly. Can say I'm super paranoid and pessimistic. I keep thinking that whenever I hear people laughing, they are laughing at me. Whenever people look in my direction, in their minds they are thinking "What an ugly person." Sigh.

I need to get out. I need to go drinking to drown these stupid thoughts of mine.

I NEED TO FORGET THIS!! I am getting photographed on Monday! This is NO TIME to be thinking ugly! Think ugly = Am ugly ... most of my time. T_T