Falling ... again

I keep thinking of a lot of ... if's today.

Just standing at the toaster and spreading my tuna on the white bread, I just felt my tears drop thinking :
"If only I could have done things differently."

But no use for regrets right? People always say that.
But seriously, everyone will still think about it. People will still think about what are outcomes could there be.

A lot of the things I am now today, is not what I expected myself to be.

I expected to be :
- married and most probably with kids
- not alone
- living with the person I married and love
- contented with a job with a decent pay

An ordinary girl with an ordinary life. But guess it's just not to be.
Being of different thinking has set my path to a different way.

Instead I'm :
- seperated with no kids
- feeling all alone
- living with my parents
- jobless

I thought I was done crying. I thought I done regretting. But I guess when new things happen, there are new things to decide upon, there are new things to regret upon.

Hope to get my stupid female hormones under control soon. I'm tired of the sleepless nights and feeling of weakness.

I want to follow him

I shall ask my dad tomorrow if I can start following him to work from Monday onwards.

I have an interest in his trading business ... minimal employees but maximum profits to earn enough to support the families very comfortably.

Who knows ... I might be able to change his mind on teaching me more ... and it'll greatly change my decision on my next job hunt.

Hope he says okay.

Aches ...

A headache that doesn't seem to want to go away.
Cramps that come and go like as they like.

And when they hit ... sigh.

Last night while queuing for a simple McChicken burger at MacDonalds, I felt giddy from just standing there waiting.

When I reached my door, I almost felt like fainting. Luckily when I did "fall", I fell into my bed. Woke up still in my jeans ... >,<

But ... I REFUSE to take any panadols.